What did I want?
Shoot, to write full-time and that be the end of it.
The “His and Hers” series released in the Fall of 2019 and that was my hype for the season. Didn’t make me no never mind whether it made me a pocketbook of money, or super known in the indie author industry. I was ready to keep writing, publishing and for my work to ultimately yield to my own community of authentic supporters. I had done a thing and I was proud of that. And for those who read it, liked it and asked for more? Maaaan, that only amplified my eagerness to hit the gas on everything.
I was just getting started. My ability to switch from contemporary women’s fiction driven by characters to a plot driven, topsy turvy, tangled web of moving parts drama fiction was my revelation. I had to believe it first. And I did.
The new year came and like most folks, my goals were in place and mentally…I was ready.
I mean, the formula was simple enough: consistency and good stories.
Fast forward to February 3rd, 2020. I posted a cover reveal for my upcoming Novella, “Only Forever.” 💕 Loved it. Still do. Couldn’t wait to print a paperback because it was so darn pretty! Mercy B. Carruthers did her thing with designing the ‘feel’ for my covers, my brand and my stories. I felt, “Oh, it’s on now! I can’t WAIT to drop this, release that and freely do, create and write what I love.
Story’s Draft? ✔️
Cover Reveal! ✔️
Book Campaign. ✔️✔️✔️
and then…
Nothing.
No release.
No update.
NOTHING!
I hit a wall so hard that I questioned if this was really something I wanted to do.
”Is this a passion, a hobby, career goal, what?”
Cause how?
How could I go from ready and doing to…nothing?
Three months into the new year and what I’ve learned about myself is that when I’m on…I’m on and there’s no in between.
I looked around me and thought “Well, she’s doing it.” Or “That person has kids and responsibilities, too.”
What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I find the energy, the drive and the hustle to do this thing I swore to wanting so bad?
Listen, there’s a crime in comparison and I knew better than to do that. I was burnt OUT. Between our family’s transitioning, working a 9-5 in production with a baby at home, a 7th grader who not only practiced and played basketball, but also trained several times a week, remembering to drink water, workout…maaaan. 😩
I needed to create a new email list, post consistency, master canva, write more, cook in between and don’t forget to drink the damn water!
I was ashamed to admit that I didn’t have a handle on everything. Anything, really. Days turned into weeks that I did absolutely nothing. The thought of EVERYTHING on my to-do list frustrated me and the nights of getting nothing done stressed me. It was a complicated battle between do or not do.
I couldn’t catch a break. My health issues worried me into sleepless nights and doctor google sent me to urgent care twice. Two medical bills just for them to tell me “You’re okay.”
…but stressed nonetheless.
The trouble with time is that even when there’s enough of it, prioritizing and not over exhausting myself with unrealistic deadlines is important not only for work-life balance, but for my health and well-being. Otherwise, I’ll probably psyche myself into believing I’m having a stroke. 🥴😄 (Another story for another day).
Sigh
I’d already declared the up and up with my writing career. What I look like backing out all because I’m tired by 10pm?
So what now? After getting to the root of the problem and slowing down, what was I supposed to do from there?
Idle time wasn’t easy, but it was most certainly necessary.
My husband introduced me to a book he was listening to on audible…I’m blessed to have a life partner who’s always striving for a better version of himself. I trust his opinion, and well…I listened for myself.
I was headed to Target on this particular day. The day was already eh😒 and I was tired of the radio. Brandon was always listening to podcasts and self-help books, so I’m like let me do it differently today.
Turned on the recommended audible…and😳. In the first few chapters, Atomic Habits began to shape and change my thinking. Now I don’t mean to sound like one of those super cheesy, salesy, this worked for me, kind of person, but ya’ll…it’s safe to say it’s been LIFE changing. I remember thinking, sure I’m busy with mommying, but part of the problem is, I have a horrible system and a list of bad habits.”
I did away with all book and writing stuff. I mean everything. I didn’t think about it. I didn’t focus on it. I needed to build this thing from the inside out. I needed to take control of my life, my health and my thinking. I started implementing the 1% logic (read the book) and whew! Implementing 1% into a task gave me control of my day and made me feel that though they were small, everyday I was building and moving forward.
Anyway, I said all of that to ease into the fact that if writing and creating is in you, it’ll never leave. Ever. A lil’ breaky-break hasn’t stopped me.
I found an accountability partner through Writer’s Rowe and it’s been golden! ✨ That 1% everyday has found its way into my writing and with the encouragement from my partner and my new habits, I’ve been able to do more in two weeks than I was able to in two months.
The difference this time though? This is not me trying to wow you with a story about a breakthrough. I’m still tired by 10pm. I’m ok with breaks and missing deadlines🙄.
In this interesting season of change, if you’re anyone who’s felt or feeling the frustrations of doing and keeping up, I hope some of this helps and encourages you that you’re alright, you’ll be alright and your time is yours.
Who knows. Maybe I was put on this earth to be an archeologist.
But today…
What do I want?
Shit, to write full-time and that not be the end of it.
…to be continued.
